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Health & Fitness

At The Sound Of The Bell....

Some tips for addressing conflicts with others in a more satisfying way.

Does the process of communicating with your child or spouse often become a verbal brawl?  Do you sometimes think a referee is needed to resolve even small problems and differences of opinion?  Would you be willing to try a new approach to expressing your thoughts and feelings?  If so, try following these guidelines:

1.  Before starting right in, express your desire to talk about a specific topic.  For example, "John I would like to talk with you about the kids"; "Mary, I would like to talk with you about the condition of your bedroom."  It is generally best if this is a private communication, between you and the person you want to talk with rather than a general announcement in front of other people (this is especially true with teens).  Letting someone know of your desire to talk does several things.  It puts them in the ballpark, so to speak, so that your comments to follow do not seem to come out of nowhere. It also sets the stage for the next stage, which is establishing a time to talk which is agreeable to both parties.  It is generally unwise to just plow into problem areas right when they occur, or when only one party is ready to talk.

2.  Agree to a time and place to talk wherein both parties involved can devote their undivided attention to the discussion at hand.  If you perceive the issue to be an emergency then say so.  If you perceive the situation to be important, but not an emergency, than say that -- and so on.  Agree to a timetable of how many minutes, hours or days can pass before a joint talk will occur, given the importance of the discussion at hand.

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3.  Learn to maintain self-control and respect for others by expressing your thoughts and feelings in a conversational tone and assume responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  The fact is that unless people have specific debilitating neurological conditions (and few do), they are capable to acting civilized and being in control of their behavior, including how they say things, no matter what the circumstances.  Would you scream at your child or spouse if someone held a gun at your head and told you they will shoot if you scream one more time? Perhaps you have the potential for more self-control than you thought!

What might you say to yourself under those circumstances? - "Maybe it’s not that important;" "I don’t need or have to have what I only want;” “Maybe I’m missing something – let me find out some more about the situation.” Maintaining control when you are frustrated or scared  is often a tough job, but it is well worth the benefits.

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4. Limit your talks to one issue each discussion.  If other issues arise, write them down and set up talks about each of these issues.  It is especially important not to jump from one area to another during a talk.  For example, a husband starts a conversation talking about childrearing ("I believe it is time to start penalizing Jim when he talks back to you") and then changes the conversation to another area such as finances ("I just found out the last check you wrote bounced").

5.  Focus on the present and future rather than focusing on the past.  Although it makes it easier, you don't need some special understanding of your past in order to lead a meaningful and satisfactory life.  Perhaps the most insidious way of maintaining problems is to focus on past events to the exclusion of making some constructive change in your present thinking or actions.  How do you think a problem will be solved if you focus on something that has already happened?

For example: "Beth I would like to start giving Jim a brief penalty when he screams at you, we will inform Jim that the rule is you can have an angry tone, but cannot yell or curse.  Each time Jim yells he will have to go to his room for 5 minutes, until he can better follow the rule.  How does that sound to you?" is a much better approach than:"Beth how many times are you going to let Jim walk all over you? -- you let everyone take advantage of you and yell at you.  Your mother yells at you, your sister yells at you, remember last Christmas when Jim kept yelling at you when everyone was over.  It just keeps getting worse and worse!"

6.  Establish specific guidelines for "time-out" periods and recovery if/when talks do deteriorate. Since no one is perfect, there are likely to be some talks that take a turn for the worse.  It is important to have escape paths and plans for another go at it built into the rules.  For example, if either party senses that they are getting overly upset or angry, they may directly express their desire to temporarily pull out of the conversation to think about things on their own or with a friend.  It is important, however, that the matter not be dropped.  When one person leaves the discussion, it is that person's responsibility to set up a new time to continue the conversation, preferably within a pre-set amount of time, such as within 24 hours.

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