SCHOOL of Thought

One of the most common parental concerns is school underachievement on the part of their children. Parents are generally quite concerned that their children might have a learning problem and/or that their children's teacher might not be taking the best approach for their child. Over and over, parents are told about how important school is, and as a result, parents get awfully nervous and agitated when their child is doing poorly in school. We have some thoughts about some of the struggles that go on between parents and children, when it comes to school performance.

1)  Although school performance is important, the most important feature of school is learning to assume self-direction (personal responsibility) not strictly academic performance (e.g., grades). A student who works hard and gets C's will generally be better off in the long run than a student who does nothing and gets A's B's or C's. Students who do not learn to do things on their own are rarely great students. Parents work against teaching children to do things on their own when they force kids/teens into doing their schoolwork during scheduled studying that has been determined by the parent. This approach improves grades for some children, but does nothing to instill the important skill of self-direction that the child needs to become a good student.

2)  Most parents overestimate how well children need to do in school in order to have plenty of choices when it comes to placement in junior colleges and/or major college institutions. Harvard, Yale, and some other educational powerhouses may be ruled out unless grades are superior, but that leaves hundreds of colleges with average to above average reputations. Even kids with C and D grades will be accepted in numerous colleges (sometimes on probation status); colleges look at more than strictly grades, such as entrance exam scores and participation in extracurricular activities.

3)  In most cases, parents will accomplish more by modeling learning and taking their children to educational settings (e.g., libraries, museums, historical sights and college campuses), than they will by repetitively scolding their children about handing in more homework, or getting better grades.

4)  Parents generally help kids do better in school when they encourage and praise completed school work, and talk about things learned in school. Try favoring praise and encouragement over nagging or criticizing at a ratio of at least 2:1.

5)  There are many people who do poorly in school who are quite pleased with their life because they have good friends, satisfying work, varied interests, and meaningful goals. There are other people who do poorly in school and regret having not made more of their education. Many people change their attitude towards education in adulthood, and then take time to get better educated. If/when parents try to make up for their own poor educational choices through their children (I messed up so you should do better), children generally feel pressured, confused and used. Parents do best by going back and taking a class, or reading when they have spare time instead of telling their children not to make the same mistakes they did.

6.  Kids who have learning disabilities and/or emotional problems that impede being able to attend regular education classes are not marked for life. If parents and teachers maintain a favorable attitude and help these children learn to accept challenges and take pride in accomplishments, they will generally feel good about themselves and learn enough to be successful adults.

7.  If kids believe that their parents care more about their performance in school than in themselves as people, watch out!  Kids who believe this will generally suffer from depression around the loss of their parents love, and/or seek revenge, by getting back at their parents with poor grades.

8.  There is no evidence that kids who stay home and study all the time to the exclusion of being involved in different activities do better in school. To the contrary, kids and adults usually do better at completing hard work when they have ample time for recreation and relaxation.