SURF'S UP!

In the novel and subsequent movie "The World according to Garp", the main character Garp, while running to the beach, mistakenly hears his mother tell him to watch out for the UNDERTOAD instead of the undertow. Garp is not sure what his mother means, but he detects from her voice that the undertoad is dangerous and frightening. As an adult, Garp continues to associate feelings of apprehension, tension and dread with thoughts of the invisible, but dangerous undertoad; when the undertoad is strong, he anticipates that something unpleasant will soon follow.

The comparison between feelings and the surf of an ocean is an interesting one.  There are many words which are commonly used to describe both feelings and surf condition. "I'm feeling calm, like the calm waters of a lazy estuary".  I'm feeling "up" or "down" like the tides. As the surf, most people experience an ebb and flow of emotions, as well as periodic emotional tidal waves.

In places like Hawaii and Mexico, when you go down to the beach to swim, it is not uncommon to see colored flags or wooden shingles that quickly inform you of what to expect from the surf.  If the surf is calm and friendly there is one color flag or shingle.  If the surf is somewhat stirred up there is another color. If the surf is really churning and dangerous, there is yet another colored flag or shingle that warns people that it is a good day to stay by the pool.

Because people's feelings change similarly to the conditions of the surf, why not let family members know what to expect from you throughout the day.  Just like knowing about the surf is important if you plan to go to the beach, knowing how family members feel is very important if you plan to spend much of your day with them.

Like the signs at the beach, each family member can signal their prevailing feelings (mood) by using colored cut-outs or pieces of paper.  Family members can identify how they are feeling (e.g., Calm, Choppy or Pounding) and use different colors to let others know what condition they are in by putting their sign up on the refrigerator or a bulletin board.

When family members let each other know their "surf" condition, it is easier for everyone to make appropriate adjustments.  This might include waiting until a more peaceful time to talk about issues that are likely to stir things up. Family members may also better recognize and attend to emotional problems, such as when someone's mood frequently changes without apparent reason, or remains unchanged for a long period of time.