Why is my child doing that?

One of the most frequent questions we are asked by parents is why their children are engaging in some silly, obnoxious or self-destructive behavior that seemingly goes against all that has been taught at the home.  For example, Jimmy keeps arguing with teachers and other authority figures despite being told that it is inappropriate to do so, or Jennifer makes up cruel stories about other children in her class.  When it comes to this question, the answer is often readily available. 

We agree with a psychologist named Paul Hauck who suggests that there are four major reasons why children generally (people) misbehave:  " They want attention, power, revenge, or to be left alone because of an alleged disability."

When children feel deprived in the area of attention and/or affection, they will go to great lengths to gain the time and energy of people in their surroundings.  It is not uncommon for children who experience themselves as "emotionally deprived" in relations with peers or their parents to exhibit a wide range of attention seeking behaviors.  Attention seeking frequently consists of minor annoying behaviors like baby talk or wearing outlandish clothing, but may include more dangerous activities such as involvement with drugs, alcohol or stealing.

When children feel deprived in the area of self-direction and control, they will go to great lengths to gain power and control over people in their surroundings.  It is not uncommon for children who sense themselves as helpless or powerless in relations with others to exhibit a wide range of oppositional, negativistic and grandiose (exaggerated) behaviors.  It is also not uncommon for children who perceive themselves as unable to adequately tolerate or manage their own strong impulses and feelings to exhibit a wide range of behavior geared towards exerting power and control.  For example, a boy who fears his angry impulses may keep fighting with his parents indefinitely -- not because what he is fighting about is so important, but because he is very fearful of the swelling anger and frustration that will occur if he does not get his way.

When children have not learned to manage anger appropriately, they will go to great lengths to seek revenge by punishing people in their surroundings.  Of all childhood misbehavior, parents seem most distressed by acts of blind revenge.  Unfortunately, reality confirms that under the spell of ill-managed anger, people are capable of highly destructive behavior.  Common spiteful revenge behavior includes verbal abuse and minor destruction of property.  At full intensity, revenge accounts for many of the "horrors" of mankind.

When children feel deficient or unprepared for to handle a task or demand, they will go to great lengths to avoid and/or disclaim their responsibility toward the situation.  It is not uncommon for children who think they are unable to master various situations and interpersonal relations to exhibit a steady course of withdrawal, underachievement and indecisiveness.  Children often sucker parents, teachers (and therapists) into promoting their alleged disabilities rather than maintaining a steady focus on problem-solving, adaptation and improvement.

Using these ideas - ask yourself, "What does my child seek to achieve from his/her behavior?  What are his/her goals?  What are the benefits of acting in this manner?  Avoid asking less relevant questions such as why is my child so upset or what did I do wrong that my child acts in this way.