Changed. Dare I Say, For the Better?

Grief changes you. Well, it changed me. But I believe that it has the potential to bring out new dimensions, new perspectives and yes, even new opportunities in the ‘griever’s’ life. It’s has been a tough two years since my future dreams were crushed along with an utter alteration in my children’s futures. Our history was rewritten in the matter of but one solitary yet insurmountable occurrence; the death of my husband, best friend and my girls’ Daddy. And, oh what a loyal and loving husband he was. What an adoring, enthusiastic and protective daddy! Memories, laughs and meaningful moments abound.

Sometimes it all flashes before my eyes and I am quickly brought back to the life I had, almost as if none of this has happened. One who has not experienced close grief or a life altering experience may consider two years an amount of time reasonable to leave the reliving of the disbelief, the sadness and the loneliness behind. But, no. I have, on many occasions managed to avoid the dealings with my grief and how much I still miss Kevin from the bottom of my heart and in the depths of my soul. That grief and emptiness are some of the rawest and realest feelings I have ever experienced and they are born in the depths of my belly and swell to the base of my throat. But the longer I avoid them, the more impossible to muster the strength and wisdom to turn them into something productive or even positive in my life.

Yes, my intent is to use my personal story in a positive way. It is mine to embrace.


Kevin would have turned 36 this month. 36. These photos show a small piece of how Kevin would have wanted us to celebrate his life: letting colorful balloons fly and with a fishing pole in hand both enjoying God's creation and with a smile on our faces.

From time to time I fool myself into believing he wasn’t that young, at 33, when his mission here came to completion. Perhaps I am able to do that because Kevin lived his life out loud, with passion, in faith and he loved even more intensely. It seems his life was ‘complete’. So, that’s why it is okay that he had to go. I see God’s plan at work despite my lack of understanding sometimes for how these things make sense for those of us left behind.

 
It doesn’t make sense for us until I take a long hard look at what has happened in my recent history as a widow and single mom. I know what it may seem like to others. Even for me it sounds bleak and unfathomable when I hear the horror stories of other women losing their husbands or any other untimely tragedy taking place in my peripheral.  But, when I stop to truly absorb the emotions and absolve my experience, I am reassured that God’s plans are only good. Yes, even if the pursuit of His purpose presses pain into the crevasses of our lives.
Stress and struggle are necessary for even positive change to take place. It’s when we are warm and moldable.

What’s more, I believe that Kevin would want nothing more than for the girls and I to continue in gratitude for what we have and grace in the walk we are on rather than digging a hole of despair to dwell in loneliness for him.  The love and good intent we had for each other in this life transcends death. We held each other in his last days repeating, ‘in the blink of an eye’ knowing that we would meet again. And so as his birthday approaches, it is with love and faith in my heart that I honor his legacy from which I know I have grown and prospered.

My greatest loss has also been my biggest teacher. Yes, God’s plans are good.
Grief changes people. It changed me. Dare I say…... for the better.

My messages are clearer, my intent purer, my desire to drain this life of all that is good deeper. The pangs of grief and loneliness are ever present. Would I give anything in a bargain with God to see and touch Kevin just once more!? YES! But, I accept that ‘in the blink of an eye’ we will meet again where we are rewarded for the journey we sometimes drudgingly walk in this life. I accept my new life and, although I still struggle to see exactly where and how the pieces fit together, I know that I am blessed beyond measure.

Happy Birthday to my Love who still lives in me! Your legacy lives on in Your 3 Girls’ Lives.
Katie